Wordle for me

Thanks  essential herbal for reminding me to make one. Click to see it full size. 

Awaiting the green

I await the green

The sleeping willows

the steeping leaves

I await the glow

of gold and pink

of the bulbs at their peak

the blinks of the baby flowers

unopened but swelling 

with promise

and rain.

I await the taste

of the first bitter placed

in my wintry mouth

like warmed snowflakes

flavored with life

I await the green.

I beckon to spring

might she show herself early I dream

of the first less frigid

walk and forage and frolic

looking through the ice glasses

of my window

I splash the hot soapy water

over pots and dishes and hands and wait

for the birds to sing 

the river to life 

and spring to midwife

the new green

When things don't work

I'll warn you that this is a personal post, not herbal or mystical or wisdom offering. 

I run a wilderness school, well a part of a wilderness school that provides nature based programs for about 50 homeschoolers, two of which are my own kids.

It was in August that I began the role of coordinator, after teaching there for a year and a half as the herbal/botany teacher just a couple hours a week.

The former coordinator warned me how hard it was. I was convinced I could turn things around,

And for the fall, I did. We had record enrollement and everything exceeded our expectations. The staff, the days, the kids, everything was wildly successful.

Now I sit here in January, and the programs are as desolate as the weather. They were slated to begin last week, and we've not been able to hold one of them yet. Only one out of four main programs got enough participation to run. 

What is going on. I keep asking this question. I've set everything up with consideration to what I thought parents had asked for, within the boundaries of what the school can offer. Flexible time, not too much time in the freezing cold, familiar and well qualified instructors, interesting topics yet with experiential content.

And no none is coming. 

I don't understand it. And while listening to the parents gives me plenty of insight into their particular need or preferences - they are all so different - that I cannot detect any additional common denominators. 

My freind tells me I need to try something different. The parents tell me I did try something different, and they don't want that - they want the same programs as usual. My guts are telling me I am failing and that there isn't any solution except to just cancel the programs and work on other stuff, like goods to sell and the summer schedule. Like grants and program development. Like recruiting enough staff for the spring. But see - I am the middle man now, and if programs are not running, my paycheck isn't supported. 

It just absolutely sucks. When this whole thing started I felt open and creative and inspired. Now I just feel weighed down and angry. I spend so much time on this job and not enough with my kids. 

But I have to work.

I wish I could get back to that centered place where it just flowed. Where I was driven by my joy and excitement and people responded. I never have worked well under deadlines and pressure and it usually drives me to quitting my jobs. It's half the reason I left dance, all of the reason I left marketing my herbal products for sale, and why I quit gymnastics when I realized it was actually a competitive sport. I don't like the pressure - it freaks me out.

I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want to quit my job. I hate feeling like all my energy is pouring into all this PR stuff ( did I mention I am a plant lady - not a marketing major?). The fact that it is not working so much, really makes me wonder if this is what I am supposed to be doing at all. Is this really what I want to do? Or am I merely doing it for my kids, or for a little money. 

Ultimately I beleive in this school. I love the land, I love the experiential learning, I love the staff I have worked with, and I love that I am creating a place where children learn about and connect with nature, and that carries on into the future. But I do not love the feeling that I don't know what I am doing, and what I am doing sucks. That I am speding so much energy on plans that no one wants. 

If only I could figure out what I really want.

It would save me so much grief. 

I used to know....back in my adolescence. I knew with irrevocable certainty that I was born to dance. I was on this earth to be a dancer and nothing else mattered because I knew my purpose. 

Who am I without that title? Lost is what I am. With daily tasks filled up with emptiness and dispair. I feel like I do not have a gift to give. 

I need my purpose because it gives me meaning. A reason to do the mundane things that are otherwise miserable. A current of gratitude and a way of living that is valuable to me. And although I would give my life twice over for my children and I love them more than anyone or anything..... they are not my purpose. And I hate those responses like "you are here to be a spiritual being in a human body" or whatever. The fact of the matter is that humans don't stand still all day.... they function. The DO... they create, cycle, and live a life, which means we require tangible means to express our soul. Not some abstract comment. I know I am a spiritual being........ and so I will take that liberty right here.

I am putting a plea out to the great Goddess:

Give me strength for I am weak.

Give me eyes for I cannot see

Give me heart for I am hurting

Give me purpose so I may come home

I ask thee great Goddess, my Self, the center of my life force

Please illuminate this life for me so I may believe in myself again, 

and offer my gifts without doubt.

So mote it be.

Herbal Beads

Creativity can easily be thwarted when you consult the cabinets. I wanted to make cream but was out of beeswax. I wanted to make lip balm but was out of tubes. And on the list went. Out of frustration I forced myself to just look at what I did have, and see if there was something fun to make from that. What I did have, was some really fine herbal powders..... pink roses, red sandalwood, and green lavender...... and in the deep well of my "to-do-someday" list, herbal beads came up. 

I've never made them before, so I didn't know what to expect. I was suspicious that they wouldn't harden right or be durable. 

I mixed a simple paste from the recipes I have read and are also randomly listed on the internet, as approximately

1/2 cup herbal powder

2 Tablespoons all purpose flour

water, little by little until you have a workable dough

essential oils, optional and added last.

What I didn't expect, was the length of time it took me to roll all the beads... somewhere around 4 hours. 

Of course, when your hands are filled with sweet aromas, it's not too hard to let go of the clock and loose yourself in the rhythm. 

I found that making the holes with a medium sized metal crochet needle was much smoother than using wood (toothpick) or a tiny needle. Once I had the hole made I carefully strung it onto some hemp cord to dry. Newspaper is a good bed. 

I enjoyed watching the colors shift as the water left and the beads solidified. They are still fragrant and oh so lovely. They hardened quite well.

I also read that the original rosary beads were made from roses (hence the name) and while I have no proof of this, it sure makes sense..... and even more so when I think of how many rose bushes adorn the homes in my local Italian neighborhoods. Especially the apricot colored ones. Supposedly they were made from fresh, though, not dried, by making a slow cooked mash. It's the dead of winter here so I can't harvest fresh ones. 

 

I'm not Catholic - but I am more than willing to pray along a string of roses! 

Now, I can't see these being that durable, considering the contents, I imagine a drop of water would simply melt it back to goo. But I wouldn't want to lacquer them either, as that would block all of the lovely scent, and probably the natural texture, too.

I have seen that The Essential Herbal sells herbal bead making kits ( I haven't tried it) so maybe they know some additional secrets that I don't, if you are inspired and want some guidance.

For now, I love my sweet and simple beads, and will keep them for special friends and meaningful moments. I cherish the odd shaped chunky ones my children fashioned, and the square ones their best -yet suspicious - friend made ("you're a..... green witch??? what does that mean?") she says, as she requests more of that yummy 'leaf fusion', and 'leaf' soup.

I heard the silent call of Cedar.

Today is Christmas Eve,
a traditional family time
for me of wonder.
As a child we would prepare food,
wrap gifts and welcome
friends and family
to feast and exchange presents.
Late at night we would go to a candlelight
service at our church.
I loved the anticipation of giving and receiving,
the feasting and family connections
and the prayers and connections
through songs to God.
I am still enchanted
by Christmas Eve.
I think it is the anticipation of the birth
of the holy one that calls me in.
The celebration of the blessings of birth.
My spiritual path has grown and expanded
over the years.
Nature and the plants
are incorporated
into our celebrations now.
A couple of weeks ago,
I walked on our land
to connect with the trees.
I heard the silent call of Cedar.
"It is not a child that is the holy one.
It is a tree,"
May it be in Beauty.

May you find your own precious holiness.
May the wonders of nature beckon you outside in all kinds of weather.
May we all find peace in our hearts and in the heart of the world.

Green Blessings,
Julie Charette Nunn, Crow's Daughter

Visit www.crowsdaughter.com for information about all of our classes coming in 2009.

Connecting at Ground Level

Today the earth is very quite. I can sense her energy very near the surface of the ground. What lies within is what is potent right now. When I lived with Susun Weed about 11 years ago, she talked about the difference between life force and soul force. Our life force energy is that which impels us to survive and protect. Our soul force is not so interested in whether we live long lives, it is more interested in the quality of our lives and beckons us into deeper spaces of existence.

At this time of year, I feel that life force energy is at ground level. Consciously breathing natural breaths, sitting on the ground, walking barefoot, placing our hand on the earth, digging roots will bring stronger connection with our life force energy. This I feel can be helpful when we begin to feel overwhelmed by the business of the holidays. Connecting at ground level can actually help us touch into the energy of the holy days.

Our soul force energy is the fire that burns within us. At this time of year, contemplative practices such as meditation, journeying, soul singing, walking in the dark are all ways to connect with the inner fire that illuminates our core. Ritual at this time of year is powerful when the energy of the soul’s fire is channeled into a container for healing and manifestation.

Within, around and beneath these forces is the source, the darkness; the deep, dark holy womb of wisdom. I feel held in womb energy this year, I call it up to nurture me when I feel afraid to move forward with what I desire. I relinquish myself to it, succumbing to the darkness that surrounds me for most of the days now.

Life force protecting, soul force illuminating and holy womb nurturing us as we fall deeply into ourselves, preparing for what will come by focusing on what is now.

May it be in Beauty.

Crow's Laughter Mystery School Offering for the last bit of 2008 into 2009:
Call or email for more information and to request an apprenticeship application.
360-579-2319 ~ julie@crowsdaughter.com

Earth Friendly Holiday Gifts on our Website

Women and Plants ~ Shamanic Herbal Apprenticeship Program
Next session begin January 16, 2009 ~ 16 Months, Comprehensive Immersion in the shamanic herbal tradition of the Wise Woman. Call or email to request an apprenticeship application.

Herbal Wisdom Circle ~ Plant teacher for December is Cedar
December 13, 2008 ~ 10:30-2:30
Monthly open circle, come to as many as you like, discounts when you sign up
with friends and multiple circles.

Crow's Daughter's Herbal and Earth Teachings ~ Individual Sessions
I work intuitively, consulting my shamanic helpers to offer you what is needed.
Sessions are experiential. You will be connecting with your wisdom through time in nature, creative arts, and deep listening. I recommend multiple sessions to delve deep into the heart of what you desire. Available at our farm on Whidbey Island and in Seattle

The Compassionate Nature of Plants ~ 13 Month Home Study Course in Shamanic Herbalism, an opportunity to begin crafting a deeply nourishing life where you live.
Start anytime, participate at home. 13 monthly assignment with daily practice lessons, 9 seasonal assignment, phone consultations, and discounts on our other classes.

Abundant Earth ~ Prosperity Circle starts January 13, 2009
Details on our website soon. Call or email to reserve your space.

The Well ~ A Study Group for Women
First Wednesdays, 7-9 pm ~ January 7, February 4
A group for women to explore the wise woman tradition, nourishing ourselves deeply and connecting with the treasures within us.

Winter Solstice Earth Celebrations
December 20 ~ 3-6 pm
Free event ~ Everyone welcome, children are encouraged to attend

Herbal Wisdom Mentorship for Girls
Starts January 31 ~ Fee is by donation
Come explore the amazing healing way of plants ~ Learn to see through the eyes of the wise woman ~ Discover your plant ally ~ Learn to listen and talk to plants.

Enchanted Earth~The Plant Teachings of Winter,
Class a A Gathering Grove ~ December 16 ~ 7-9 pm,
Fee is by donation.

More monthly classes in Seattle coming in 2009.
Also classes in Bellingham coming in 2009.

Dark of the Moon Lodge
Returning January 24, 2009

I May Flower Even in Winter

I went out walking yesterday in the garden. My eyes looked down at dark brown and yellowing leaves, flowers offering their last farewell and rich earth. What is vibrant? What speaks to me? What is offering itself for nourishment and healing?

I found comfrey. The leaves are yellow and green now with edges of brown heading toward earth. What I discovered when taking a second look, when breathing with these plants is the vibrancy of the comfrey roots. If I was to dig down into the soil around this plant I would find dark brown roots, mirroring earth so successfully that you can hardly distinguish them from it. Breaking open these roots I would find creamy white moistness that nourishes the skin, softening and healing it. These roots contain a substance that encourages replication of cells, allowing muscles, nerves, bones, and skins to heal rapidly. I won’t harvest here for a few more years. There is a place nearby with comfrey growing everywhere. I will harvest in January as I have done for the last three years.

Near the comfrey, the espalier apples are releasing their leaves one by one. Here I found Usnea lichen. This plant is a synergistic combination of an algae on the outside and a white fungus chord within. I won’t harvest this Usnea as it is quite small and sparse here on the trees. I will walk up into the deep forest to look for it. Wind brings down evergreen branches filled with Usnea. This plant kills bacteria that causes infections of all kinds. I find it most helpful as a remedy for sinus infection. Other people I know have utilized it for healing infections of teeth, bladder and skin infections. I find this plant to have strong and deep medicine and so would call upon it to offer advise for healing chronic conditions.

As I continued on the garden path, I came upon our large reclining stone. This stone was deep in the earth on our land until it was unearthed when our house was built. Growing close to its north facing base, I found Violet. The leaves are still quite vibrant and green. One purple flower, reminds me of that I may flower even in winter. I will pick some of these leaves for my salad. Violet is mineral rich, cool and moist. This plant is the most like me of any, I think. I will call upon my sister violet to nourish me during the winter months. I have planted some yellow violets under the center espalier tree. These I was invited to dig up in a place I used to live. My vision is to have violet growning all over the land here. Patience and persistance is needed in order to manifest visions. I can wait.

If I take the time to look and breathe when I walk outside, even if just for a little while, I find vibrancy, I find nourishment, I find healing at my doorstep.

May it be in Beauty.

Crow's Laughter Mystery School Offering:
Call or email for more information and to request an apprenticeship application.
360-579-2319 ~ julie@crowsdaughter.com

Earth Friendly Holiday Gifts on our Website

Women and Plants ~ Shamanic Herbal Apprenticeship Program
Next session begin January 16, 2009 ~ 16 Months, Comprehensive Immersion in the shamanic herbal tradition of the Wise Woman. Call or email to request an apprenticeship application.

Herbal Wisdom Circle ~ Plant teacher for December is Cedar
December 13, 2008 ~ 10:30-2:30
Monthly open circle, come to as many as you like, discounts when you sign up
with friends and multiple circles.

Crow's Daughter's Herbal and Earth Teachings ~ Individual Sessions
I work intuitively, consulting my shamanic helpers to offer you what is needed.
Sessions are experiential. You will be connecting with your wisdom through time in nature, creative arts, and deep listening. I recommend multiple sessions to delve deep into the heart of what you desire. Available at our farm on Whidbey Island and in Seattle

The Compassionate Nature of Plants ~ 13 Month Home Study Course in Shamanic Herbalism, an opportunity to begin crafting a deeply nourishing life where you live.
Start anytime, participate at home. 13 monthly lessons, 9 seasonal lessons, phone consultations, and discounts on our other classes.

Abundant Earth ~ Prosperity Circle starts January 13, 2009
Details on our website soon. Call or email to reserve your space.

The Well ~ A Study Group for Women
First Wednesdays, 7-9 pm ~ December 3, January 7
A group for women to explore the wise woman tradition, nourishing ourselves deeply and connecting with the treasures within us.

Winter Solstice Earth Celebrations
December 20 ~ 3-6 pm
Free event ~ Everyone welcome, children are encouraged to attend

Herbal Wisdom Mentorship for Girls
We will begin again in January 2009
Come explore the amazing healing way of plants ~ Learn to see through the eyes of the wise woman ~ Discover your plant ally ~ Learn to listen and talk to plants.

Enchanted Earth~The Plant Teachings of Winter,
Class a A Gathering Grove ~ December 16 ~ 7-9 pm,
Fee is by donation.

More monthly classes in Seattle coming in 2009.
Also classes in Bellingham coming in 2009.

Dark of the Moon Lodge
Returning in 2009

Call or email anytime to find out more, share your inspirations and request an apprenticeship application. 360-579-2319 ~ julie@crowsdaughter.com